I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

As I dictate this in my journal. I have been in tears for the last 10 minutes and crying on and off for at least the last 30. I can’t explain what’s happening to me. I don’t know how one day I went from so much joy and happiness to every day I’m finding that I’m having moments of anger or grief and depression where I cry and can’t stop where I’m hurting my heart in my back. I don’t really want to post anything. I’m looking for a job and I don’t want an employer to think I’m crazy or a risk because I’m not and I don’t know if this is hey is that time of the month so I’m hormonal is it para menopause is it deep down? I am stressed about a lack of income is making me question am I trusting in him, I feel like I am where are all these emotions coming from? Where is this anger coming from like a I cannot make a mistake or I am ready to cut his throat. I am in caps. I am beating my desk and I’m like am I going crazy what is happening please tell me I trust him that can’t be it and so which one is worse that I’m going crazy that I don’t have the faith that I thought I had having so many issues with running lunch bill I’m questioning is that just not the space for me or is it just a season and I’m struggling and so nothing is I don’t find that much pushback at other places is it just this moment because I should be taken care of myself as Sunday and instead of joining church service, I have my head at a computer. Is it all of the above? I wasn’t gonna say anything and then I said how can I not write about this if I’m going to be transparent? I literally just called one of my friends I haven’t been hearing from him as much as I used to and I’m like are you not my friend anymore like I don’t hear from you. I don’t even really care about hearing from people like that necessarily I just feel so needy every day I’m asking God is he there? Has he left me what is happening? This is the kind of crying where the snot is running out of your nose. I hate these type of cries cause I feel like I’m gonna end up with a headache of red face congested right now I just want to understand the why behind it. I do that. I do have some hormonal pills. I don’t have many. Should I take it? Should I save it? I just wanna know if something really wrong with me and I need mental help I just need a hormone pill. Do I need to get on my knees pray again is the enemy is the devil fuck with me and I just gotta fight him with all my faith with All. Just say Jesus Jesus Jesus over and over again, so he realize I’m here to stay. I’m here to fight that I won’t back down then I’m a thrive. I’m a survivor. I’m going through too much and come through on the other side to give up now and I would not live a life in anger and under arrest. I just don’t get what’s happening to me right now and I want to. I did not edit this sorry.