I Miss Us

I couldn’t have dreamed up a better kid than Jordan. He has been a joy from the beginning, charismatic, funny, caring, loving, and full of personality. And like me, he’s not perfect, but he’s mine. We’ve been together for 15 years, pretty much just the two of us, and we’ve always been close.

I didn’t even grow up wanting kids. Then suddenly I did. His dad and I talked about having four, and as soon as we got married, we started trying. I was getting older, I’m impatient when I want something, and those eggs weren’t going to last forever. It took a while, but eventually Jordan was blessed to us.

And I took motherhood seriously. His dad was detained when Jordan was barely two months old and deported a year later. So, it became just us. I didn’t go out. I didn’t have a “life” outside of being his mom. He didn’t stay with anyone except family or someone I had known for years. I remember the first time I tried to go out, a friend’s birthday at the W. I had my lipstick on, ready to walk out the door, and I looked at him in his little swing. I swear he looked at me like, “Really? That’s why you’re leaving me?” The guilt hit so hard I canceled. I didn’t try again until he was in kindergarten.

Fast‑forward to now: he’s 15. And there’s this distance between us that I wasn’t ready for. It breaks my heart a little. He’ll come talk to me when he’s in the mood, turn on that charm, but it’s on his time. And I know he’s not doing anything wrong, he’s respectful, he’s a good kid, he’s just being 15.

But it still hurts my feelings. Sometimes I think I react to things not because he did something wrong, but because I miss us. I thought all those years of being present, being available, being everything, would prepare me for this moment. But nothing prepares you for missing someone who still lives in your house.

I enjoy my own company, but I’m lonely for him. I miss who we were. I miss the closeness. I miss being his whole world. And I feel like I’m in an empty nester BEFORE THE NEST IS EVEN EMPTY!!

It’s hard. And I don’t have a complaint just a feeling. I miss him. I miss us.